What does it mean to lose? The dictionary defines “Defeat” as many things, but I think most often when we hear the word “Defeat” we think of this definition from Dictionary.com “The act or event of being bested; losing.” Defeat isn’t a fun thing to go through; it’s not easy, and it doesn’t feel good, but sometimes admitting defeat is the best thing you can do for yourself.
But wait Kyra! How can losing be a good thing? Aren’t you all about being successful no matter what?? The short answer is yes, but the long answer is a little different, and that’s what I want to explain to you, (and to myself,) today.
See, it all depends on your definition of success. On my anxiety journey, success has always meant managing my anxiety without help from medication. I’ve often sang the praises of non-medical coping mechanisms, and simple therapy techniques, in response to questions about why I’m not on meds. Recently, however, those same strategies that have been working for me for years, have started failing me, and it has made me reconsider my current definition of success in terms of anxiety.
For the last 8-10 months, my anxiety and depression have been steadily increasing, silently and slowly, so that I haven’t really noticed. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being relaxed by the pool with a drink in my hand, and 10 being watching a toddler slip over the edge of the Grand Canyon, I used to float at around a 4; what I would describe as the average person’s fear of public speaking. 4 was a good level for me, my anxiety was manageable, and when something happened that would elevate my anxiety, I had a decent amount of wiggle room between 4 and full-blown panic attack. (For those of you who don’t know, it’s much easier to bring anxiety down from a level 8, than it is to stop a panic attack (Level 10) once it’s started.)
However in the last few months, I’ve noticed that I currently float at around a 7… Not a lot of wiggle room from that to a 10. What this means is that things that I normally would be able to handle with only a 2-3 level increase, send me straight over 10, and into Panic Mode. We are just talking SIMPLE things, like making a phone call, or changing an established plan, this doesn’t even take into account big things, like traveling or having an argument with my husband.
I finally hit a breaking point in February when I traveled to visit a friend several hours away. Traveling hasn’t been an issue for me lately. It used to be a big problem, before I found counseling and coping mechanisms, but lately, traveling is something I actually kind of enjoy,(as long as the place I’m staying has functioning plumbing, and I don’t have to sleep in a tent!) But for some reason this trip opened up a whole new struggle, and the short story is, my anxiety kept me awake for close to 2 days. It came on quickly, and since I was already floating at an 8 from driving all day, there was no space for me to work it back down before the panic attack took hold. And MAN DID IT TAKE HOLD! I was in sheer distress mode for the whole night, and most of the next day, and none of my current coping mechanisms worked long term.
Since that event, I have lived between an 8 and a 10 most days, with the simplest things setting me off. Changing my dinner plans has me crying, and forgetting to respond to an email has me curling up in bed and waiting for the panic to subside. It keeps me from doing almost anything productive, and focusing on anything for very long pushes me to the point of sheer exhaustion. I sleep about 12-13 hours on average right now, and I’m still completely wrung out by 5pm. It’s no way to live my life, especially for someone like me who usually thrives on a busy schedule and productivity.
When I experienced another 2 days of crippling anxiety and fear on my trip to Orlando, FL, I decided that something had to change. I simply can’t keep living like this, and feeling this miserable all the time. So when my yearly check-up with my Primary Care Physician rolled around, I talked to her about what type of medication we could try. I wanted something gentle, because my last experience with medication for anxiety ended really poorly, but also something that was more useful than an herbal remedy. She had lots of options for me, and we finally came to rest on a very low dose of Buspirone every day to start, and Hydroxyzine tablets as needed to help with panic attacks.
Now, I’m not going to lie, the first few weeks have been kind of rough for me, in several ways. First, becoming adjusted to the meds has been a challenge. Through taking these meds we also discovered that I have severe allergies, and fluid buildup behind my eardrums, which made me dizzy. So I’m also taking two types of allergy medication now along with the anxiety medication.
I’ve been really cautious about taking the medication, which logically I know is not the best way to approach it, but so far I feel like it is truly beginning to work. We started with half doses morning and night and once I am comfortable there we will increase to see if that helps even more. Currently, the only differences that I notice are that I’m a little more patient, and I feel like the edge has been taken off slightly. I’ll be interested to see what happens as we increase the dosage in the next few weeks.
So, it’s time for the moral of the story, (I’m a writer, forgive me!) and that is this; Sometimes the best thing for you is the thing you fight the hardest against. I was too proud for too long to even give medication a try, and in doing so, I was unconsciously adding to the stigma that I so greatly disagree with. So I’m saying it loud and proud now. I take medication to manage my anxiety and depression, and it makes me a better, more productive person. And there is nothing wrong with that.
If you have anxiety or depression, I encourage you to examine your definition of defeat, and see if admitting defeat might just help you too!